Fresh into the new year, we’re taking a look at the biggest problem men have when it comes to dating and attraction. Suprisingly, approaching a girl seems to be the hardest thing ever for a guy like you and me, and let me tell you why that’s completely okay.
Basing your actions on a social standart is a normal thing. It keeps us sane, and keeps us part of the social group we’re in. There’s a whole community of men out there, that fresh into the dating game, find it as the hardest thing to do to actually approach a woman. It’s funny how those are the guys that can really build a comfortable relationship, but they never even make it there. They start using a bunch of excuses to justify their lack of motivation towards attracting and seducing hot women, and in this post we’ll be taking a look at the different mechanisms in our brain that prevent us from approaching, and how to overcome those blockages.
To begin with, you need to understand the following:
Men have what is called an approach mechanism. The stronger the works of it, the better those guys are at approaching and seducing attractive girls.
Women on the other hand, have what is called a filtering mechanism. The nature of this mechanism shows us that females who have weak filtering mechanism, end up in relationships with guys they don’t neccessarily find that enjoyable.
The whole base of these mechanisms explains to us why men are more valuable amongst their peers if they sleep with lots of women, meanwhile women are perceived as less valuable if they sleep with lots of men. That’s an everyday fact that nobody really thinks about, but it is one of the foundations of the entire dating world, and understanding what I’m about to share with you gives you an edge on all the 98% of men who are not aware of this.
When a man engages in relationships with a lot of women, that means his approach mechanism is working well. He has no problems going up to any girl he finds attractive, and that makes him look confident, bold and high-status. Linking back to The Formula For Attraction, it’s in the foundation of being a challenge as a man to be a bold, unapologetic and having no problem meeting a lady and being yourself. Meanwhile, a guy with a weak appoach mechanism has issues with doing that, and will often become submissive in the presence of a guy with a strong one. That makes him recognized as a weak man amongst his friends. Not being able to seduce women in such a way affects your social standing and your dating life. If your approach mechanism is poor, you will never end up meeting the types of women you want to meet, and never experience what you want out of a girl.
On the other hand, when a woman is sleeping with lots of men, that means her filtering mechanism is weak, and she ends up attracting the wrong types of men, leading her into bad relationships that go nowhere. That means that they will not be able to filter out men that they don’t understand are weak, and cannot get the guys that will truly make them happy. They are perceived as less valuable by their peers if that’s the case. Women with strong filtering mechanisms can seem bitchy to weak men, because their subconcious is protecting them from men that they see are not fulfilling their criteria in regards to being F+C.
For men, there’s a condition well known in the dating world as approach anxiety. For women, there’s a condition known as filter failure.
Approach anxiety basically occurs whenever you make the decision to go up to a girl, and some common symptoms are extreme stifledness, emotional overload and excuse process creation. You will start coming up with excuses why you shouldn’t go over there and you’ll start second guessing yourself. On a biological level, your emotional and logical brain are fighting, and in those moments you’re being very emotional, but since you cannot make a decision from your emotional brain, it mimicks the logical part and there you have it – an excuse. That’s the reason that sometimes the reasons you think of for not approaching make no logical sense whatsoever, but they sound logical enough, so your logical brain buys into it. For example:
-> there are too many people here!
I cannot do it, because… -> she will reject me!
-> I will look stupid!
Really sit down and think about how logical these sound to you. The only thing those are are excuse processess your brain makes up to stop you from going up and introducing yourself. Let me explain why this happens. Your brain also has something called a self-preservation mechanism. It’s main purpose is to keep you in your comfort zone, because that’s where you’re “safe”. It’s built through thousands of years of genetic evolution, in which the strongest (or in this case, the most careful) species survives. Men and women both have this. Some social implications of this nowadays are, for example, crossing the street, in which your head will automatically try to turn, by force of habit, to make sure no cars are coming your way.
Let me reveal a secret to you now, which is the only way to completely get rid of approach anxiety. I want you to think of your social skills as a muscle, just like any other muscle in your body. If you work it out constantly, it gets stronger. If you stop working it out, it gets weaker. If you start working it out after a long period of time of not improving it, it will get sore, but it will be easier for it to come back to its original strength. If you work it out too much, you get tired. The way your social muscle gets sore results in actual physical fatigue. If you have a period in your life in which you don’t really go out that much, once you start doing it all of a sudden you will feel real physical tiredness. This is all very natural and is no reason to not work it out! Just like any muscle, it gets stronger as you work it out. Don’t expect, in the beginning, to just be able to walk up to the hottest girl and snap your fingers and her falling in your lap without any fear. It takes time. It takes persistance, and it takes hard work to get on the path of mastering this thing, and getting rid of approach anxiety. You will never really have no approach anxiety, but with time, the crippling fear becomes smaller, and smaller, and smaller, with you building your social muscle and confidence to a point in which you can easily walk up to people, introduce yourself and engage them with your conversational skills.
The fact that you cannot currently do that without fear, comes from the fact that there’s a belief system in your brain stopping you from believing it. This belief system is based on the mechanism of self-preservation, and can be overcomed by creating a new belief system. Your current belief system (probably) is that “You’re just not the type of guy who just goes up and approaches people, that just not you.” That belief system controls your emotions, and they control your actions. Whenever you try to act outside of that, you get an immediate emotional response that says “Hey, you’re acting outside your belief system, stop that.” which manifests itself in the way of this excuse process creation. This is all approach anxiety is. That’s it. It’s just your brain telling you you’re acting outside your belief system. The way to permanently destroy approach anxiety is to change that belief system. Let me explain.
Your new belief system should become that “I’m the type of guy who just approaches anyone who I feel curious about.” If you have that belief system and you approach a girl and she says something along the line of “Why are you talking to me?” your immediate response is that “I’m just the type of guy who approaches anyone he’s curious about.” Whereas other guys would take that as a rejection, and looking at it, it really isn’t. It’s a legitimate question that you give a legitimate answer to. You automatically get pass this filter that most guys get stuck on, and think about how powerful that is. You have to stop being affected by rejection that much, and don’t take it so deeply. Get rid of your ego.
Now read carefully, I really want you to comprehend this one sentence:
The way to build this new belief system is to act through this new identity. It will be hard at first, there will be some emotional trauma, but as a man, you have to be willing to say fvck it and just go for it.
I’ll leave you, as always, with some food for thought, for you guys that are more analytical and like the whole statistical portion of this. A guy who is successful with women, could approach 50 girls and get rejected by 30 of them. The guy who is unsuccessful with women, could approach 10 girls, and get rejected by 5 of them. If it’s strictly a numbers game, the first guy has had 20 positive interactions, while the other guy has had 5.
Think about that carefully, and until next time.
See you out there.